Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Marisa, hitchhiker, Payson to Phoenix, July 2007

This appeared in The Chiron Review (QDEP...) back in 2007:

Marisa, hitchhiker, Payson to Phoenix, July 2007

Don’t worry, he doesn’t have enough gas to follow us.
God I can’t believe I’m leaving him.
I just don’t want him hitting me anymore
and calling me a piece of shit or a whore in front of my kids.
He always uses them to get at me.
But I love him.
I don’t know why.
He’s got my heart.
I was only sixteen when we met and he was like thirty-three.
But he delivered my last kid, my girl, in our trailer
with the 911 operator on the phone.
I gave up a modeling career for him, the fucker.
They wanted me but I came up here to be with him
but I can’t stand it.
He’s been on unemployment for two years
plus his dad’s rich.
All he has to do is wipe his own ass basically
while I do everything
and then he gets mad if I smoke a little dope.
I mean I do but so what?
My mom smokes dope.
She had me doing methamphetamines when I was eleven.
That’s why we’re up here
to clean up and get away from the city and the other dopeheads.
I had to borrow money from our neighbors
I was gonna bring my kids down to see their grandma
she never sees them
but he said I was gonna spend it on dope.
I mean that’s part of it
like twenty percent.
I like smoking dope and I get so fucking bored
but I just wanted to bring my kids down to see their grandma
and he fucking starts hitting me.
This time he kicked me about seventeen times
I still got bruises on my arms from trying to protect myself, see?
Usually he tries to hit me in the face.
He always likes to say how I won’t be beautiful anymore
how no one will like me anymore.
I mean I know I’m good-looking.
I’m not being egotistical it’s just a fact.
I was a dancer for three years.
I know what guys want.
I never made any money at it though.
The place I worked was mainly niggers and mexicans
and you can’t make any money on niggers and mexicans.
My sister and me were the two best-looking girls there
the owner knows it too
but I’m not one of those girls who whore themselves out
or try to get anything they can from men.
I’m always stupid and end up talking to guys.
Like there was this one older guy
he took me in the VIP lounge and just started crying
and I didn’t laugh at him or make fun of him like some girls would.
His brother just died so he just talked about that.
Twenty bucks a song and he just kept paying it and paying it.
He had to go to the ATM machine a couple times but he didn’t care.
He’d come back just to talk to me.
He stopped coming after a while.
The thing I hate is when I’m talking to a guy and he just stares at my tits.
I mean you can at least look me in the eyes.
That’s why I stopped being a stripper.
It wasn’t worth it.
And I was going to be a model,
which is real good money
and they were gonna take me
but I gave it up goddammit
for that asshole.
God I love him.
I don’t know why.
It just hurts so much leaving him.
This is the seventh time in three months that I’ve left him
but I keep going back like a dumbass.
I know I’m being stupid but it’s just something I can’t control.

I was staying with another guy
a really nice guy too
really different from me
from the other side of the tracks you know?
He’s got his own three-bedroom house and is really nice to me.
I was staying with him
but he’s letting his crackhead friend and his crackhead wife stay there
and they have a kid who is evil.
He’s a little fucker.
He’s five and just wants attention all the time
and his mom doesn’t do anything!
She’s a pathetic bitch.
So I’m like I can’t stay there cooped up in the bedroom
cause those crackheads are hanging out yelling at each other.
I told my friend but he just doesn’t do anything.
He called and left a message last week saying
hey you need to get your shit!
He’s mad, but he’ll get over it.

Plus I had this other guy
he was younger than me
but we’re really soulmates
or guardian angels for each other.
He said I’m good for him.
He was going to move up here too
and we were both going to get clean
but then after two days he took off with some ho-bag
and now I heard he’s smoking dope again.
His friend came up too
and told me he was in love with me
but I couldn’t
I already decided to come back to my husband
and make it work
so the other guy left for Cali
and robbed a Circle K
the dumbass.
He wouldn’t have done that if I’d been with him.
I’m good at taking care of people.

God I feel like shit.
It’s like I left my heart back there or something.
My mom will be pissed.
I mean she wants me to leave him
but she wants me stop changing my mind.

I’ve got a friend in Phoenix
she’s the only girl friend I have.
I don’t really get along with other girls.
I lived there twenty-two years so I’ll be alright.
I just need to get a job.
I’ve been putting out lots of applications
but no one ever calls.
It’s hard cause I was a dancer
and you can’t put that
so I don’t have any work history.
But how am I supposed to get a work history?
I mean I can go back to dancing.
My sister still works at the club
but I don’t really want to.
I just need someone to give me some time to get back on my feet
so I can save money.
What part of Phoenix are you going to?

Wednesday, September 9, 2015