Marisa, hitchhiker, Payson to Phoenix, July 2007

This appeared in The Chiron Review (QDEP...) back in 2007:

Marisa, hitchhiker, Payson to Phoenix, July 2007

Don’t worry, he doesn’t have enough gas to follow us.

God I can’t believe I’m leaving him.

I just don’t want him hitting me anymore

and calling me a piece of shit or a whore in front of my kids.

He always uses them to get at me.

But I love him.

I don’t know why.

He’s got my heart.

I was only sixteen when we met and he was like thirty-three.

But he delivered my last kid, my girl, in our trailer

with the 911 operator on the phone.

I gave up a modeling career for him, the fucker.

They wanted me but I came up here to be with him

but I can’t stand it.

He’s been on unemployment for two years

plus his dad’s rich.

All he has to do is wipe his own ass basically

while I do everything

and then he gets mad if I smoke a little dope.

I mean I do but so what?

My mom smokes dope.

She had me doing methamphetamines when I was eleven.

That’s why we’re up here

to clean up and get away from the city and the other dopeheads.

I had to borrow money from our neighbors

I was gonna bring my kids down to see their grandma

she never sees them

but he said I was gonna spend it on dope.

I mean that’s part of it

like twenty percent.

I like smoking dope and I get so fucking bored

but I just wanted to bring my kids down to see their grandma

and he fucking starts hitting me.

This time he kicked me about seventeen times

I still got bruises on my arms from trying to protect myself, see?

Usually he tries to hit me in the face.

He always likes to say how I won’t be beautiful anymore

how no one will like me anymore.

I mean I know I’m good-looking.

I’m not being egotistical it’s just a fact.

I was a dancer for three years.

I know what guys want.

I never made any money at it though.

The place I worked was mainly niggers and mexicans

and you can’t make any money on niggers and mexicans.

My sister and me were the two best-looking girls there

the owner knows it too

but I’m not one of those girls who whore themselves out

or try to get anything they can from men.

I’m always stupid and end up talking to guys.

Like there was this one older guy

he took me in the VIP lounge and just started crying

and I didn’t laugh at him or make fun of him like some girls would.

His brother just died so he just talked about that.

Twenty bucks a song and he just kept paying it and paying it.

He had to go to the ATM machine a couple times but he didn’t care.

He’d come back just to talk to me.

He stopped coming after a while.

The thing I hate is when I’m talking to a guy and he just stares at my tits.

I mean you can at least look me in the eyes.

That’s why I stopped being a stripper.

It wasn’t worth it.

And I was going to be a model,

which is real good money

and they were gonna take me

but I gave it up goddammit

for that asshole.

God I love him.

I don’t know why.

It just hurts so much leaving him.

This is the seventh time in three months that I’ve left him

but I keep going back like a dumbass.

I know I’m being stupid but it’s just something I can’t control.

I was staying with another guy

a really nice guy too

really different from me

from the other side of the tracks you know?

He’s got his own three-bedroom house and is really nice to me.

I was staying with him

but he’s letting his crackhead friend and his crackhead wife stay there

and they have a kid who is evil.

He’s a little fucker.

He’s five and just wants attention all the time

and his mom doesn’t do anything!

She’s a pathetic bitch.

So I’m like I can’t stay there cooped up in the bedroom

cause those crackheads are hanging out yelling at each other.

I told my friend but he just doesn’t do anything.

He called and left a message last week saying

hey you need to get your shit!

He’s mad, but he’ll get over it.

Plus I had this other guy

he was younger than me

but we’re really soulmates

or guardian angels for each other.

He said I’m good for him.

He was going to move up here too

and we were both going to get clean

but then after two days he took off with some ho-bag

and now I heard he’s smoking dope again.

His friend came up too

and told me he was in love with me

but I couldn’t

I already decided to come back to my husband

and make it work

so the other guy left for Cali

and robbed a Circle K

the dumbass.

He wouldn’t have done that if I’d been with him.

I’m good at taking care of people.

God I feel like shit.

It’s like I left my heart back there or something.

My mom will be pissed.

I mean she wants me to leave him

but she wants me stop changing my mind.

I’ve got a friend in Phoenix

she’s the only girl friend I have.

I don’t really get along with other girls.

I lived there twenty-two years so I’ll be alright.

I just need to get a job.

I’ve been putting out lots of applications

but no one ever calls.

It’s hard cause I was a dancer

and you can’t put that

so I don’t have any work history.

But how am I supposed to get a work history?

I mean I can go back to dancing.

My sister still works at the club

but I don’t really want to.

I just need someone to give me some time to get back on my feet

so I can save money.

What part of Phoenix are you going to?