Christmas in Merica

Appeared at ELECTRIC WINDMILL PRESS in February 2012. EWP no longer with us, so putting up here for you all to (hopefully) enjoy!

Christmas in Merica

Merica I’m tired hungry and depressed

Merica I hate Christmas

I hate Thanksgiving Easter Valentine’s Day The Fourth of July but most of all I hate Christmas

It’s cold

I like Halloween though, Merica, because of ghosts and goblins and bats and women dressing up as sexy pirates sexy superheroines or sexy cats

I like Halloween because it’s the only night of the year where women can dress up as sexy as they really are

But I hate Christmas and I want to punch Santa Claus in his jolly stomach

Merica hurry! Only ten more shopping days to spend money and do your part to keep our economy healthy!

Because in Merica not buying children presents is un-Merican

And un-capitalistic

Merica they didn’t used to be the same thing

Merica no more high fructose corn syrup!

Corn should just be corn!

Time to cut back on the meat and eat more fruits and veggies

Time to exercise and get outside

Time to get rid of the goddamn televisions once and for finally

Merica I’m sorry but most Christians seem batshit crazy and if there’s any good ones they better start taking it back

Don’t even talk to me about the Mormons

And Merica only in Merica could a hack science fiction writer create a religion and have people believe it!

Merica what happened to the good old days when cults took cyanide Kool-Aid and just put themselves out of our misery?

Merica the media is crazy too there always has to be two sides of an issue in order to be fair and balanced so if the world is round you need to have another person say it’s flat

Merica you can’t hide in gated communities forever

Merica you are a gated community

To be fair Merica I know I’m not perfect I jerk off to internet porn

I’m so bad that even when I meditate I end up thinking about jerking off to internet porn

But Merica sex itself isn’t bad

Merica I wish you would let yourself enjoy sex instead of just watching people having it on tv

Merica I wish you would stop telling girls to dress sexy and then that sex is bad

Merica leave the girls alone

The boys too Merica

Stop telling them they have to own guns and drink beer

Merica our children are angry I’m not sure you’ve noticed

On the other hand Merica, I do wish you would do something about the banks

Don’t leave them alone Merica

Merica you deregulated them and they stole our money and lost it and gave you money so that you would give them bailout money so they robbed us twice

And corporations Merica don’t leave them alone either

Stop taking their money

Everyone knows you’re a whore Merica

Repent!

Merica only in Merica could one presidential election be stolen and that same person re-elected after he and his cabal had put us into two occupations

And only in Merica could another president win the Nobel Peace Prize while escalating one of those occupations, and then in his acceptance speech reject his heroes King and Gandhi while still dropping their names and saying that war is sometimes necessary

Merica did anybody notice that?

Merica what if on 9/11 we had turned the other cheek just like your favorite philosopher?

Merica are you on drugs?

Illegal or otherwise?

Are your anti-depressants working perhaps too well that you can’t see your house melting down around you?

Merica I wish you would stop doing coke and pot and anything else that has to come up from Columbia and Mexico because there are columbians and mexicans dying because of you

Merica why don’t you at least legalize those things and put those jackass narcotraficantes out of business?

Merica as long as I’m lecturing you why don’t you ban the manufacture and use of landmines?

I just thought I’d get that out there

They don’t kill soldiers

I mean that’s who you really want to kill right?

Right?

Merica my therapist says your too egocentric

Merica have you ever considered seeing a therapist?

Sometimes you can find one that works on a sliding scale

Merica do you have health insurance?

Are you satisfied with it?

How about when the health insurance companies raise their rates thirty percent? Satisfied then?

Merica do you have any pre-existing conditions?

Sucks to be you

I guess you’ll have to pay out of pocket

Don’t you wish your health wasn’t run by for-profit companies?

Merica you are the health insurance companies’ bitch

though you still fuck other Mericans too

Merica you slut you go both ways

What kind of jumblefucker are you?

You only listen to money!

Und sieg heil das Kapital!

But you know that stuff?

That trickles down?

It’s blood