Fire Lookout Villanelle

This poem appeared at HIGH DESERT JOURNAL in March 2016. HDJ has, alas, closed its doors, so putting up my writing from there, here. Hop you enjoy!

 

 

Fire Lookout Villanelle

On a mountain somewhere on the Boise National Forest

Sitting on the catwalk of my wind- and snow-beaten tower

Mind as always working mad though body relatively at rest

On the roof flying ants seem to have made a nest

So I’m hiding in the wind surrounded by red and purple flowers

On a mountain somewhere on the Boise National Forest

It’s been a few days since I’ve had any guests

It’s been a hot dry week since I’ve taken a shower

My mind’s still working mad and body mostly always at rest

I’m trying to teach myself Latin but I’m failing every test

I scan the hills and valleys with my binos about every hour

On a mountain somewhere on the Boise National Forest

I go naked a lot or in shorts and I’m sunburned on my chest

though cloudy today so my solar radio keeps losing power

Mind always working mad though body relatively at rest

Rain clouds and lightning tracking in from the west

Towards me and the elk and butterflies and grouse on our

Mountain somewhere on the Boise National Forest

Minds forever working mad and bodies relatively at rest

 

Cerro Pelado Blues

"Cerro Pelado Blues" appeared in SOUTH DAKOTA REVIEW. Winter 2019.  Issue 54.2. Here in its entirety. Order the print journal here. 

Cerro Pelado Blues

Chorus I

Big dark thunderstorm extreme weather came thru

Virgin Mesa + Redondo tracking east over Caldera

to Española + Sangre de Cristos toward Barb

way over in Pecos in Barillas Lookout

She called + invited me over to visit when I want

working on a book for Forest Service on history of lookouts

knows Tripod + Aztec + Cerro Pelado too

this morning woke in a cloud socked in + cold

lightning off + on all day but with rain + hail

maybe when things dry out some smokes will pop

but already another unusual season here so wet

normally would be dry + windy tho windy

now sun setting behind the Sierra de Nacamiento + clouds

lights down in the valleys twinkling on in Jemez Springs

Albuquerque + Santa Fe + the I-25 strip

thinking about poor Schopenhauer + his gloom except he's right

except I guess when things go wrong we at least know we're alone

small consolation but a least when we do something

it's because of who we are which sounds destined

but I guess is a form of higher freedom

since who we are causes our destiny therefore we choose it

except Shope seems to think only one outcome possible

in any situation because who we are there must be only one

but who we are seems to be could determine multiple outcomes

so I think not giving us enough credit but I'm not sure I care

though not caring might be choosing illusion + not reality

i.e. letting the cat be killed so put a shoe on yr head

Chorus II

Everything needs to be tied down + fastened + battened

+ secured in a lookout tower otherwise you get

rattling + ringing + moaning in yr world + in yr mind

like the time the zen sensei took me aside in the zendo

+ told me not to wobble while meditating

because if the body wobbles the mind wobbles

+ so the mind rattles + rings + moans in this wind

and you need to take care of feet + hands that dry out

a little Queen Helene cocoa butter does the truco

even when rain + hail come in in big dark nubes

and you gotta watch the rock squirrels + mice + chipmunks

little fuckers will climb up in yr car and nest in the vents

one time driving down from Aztec to Glob a mouse climbed out the hood

clinging to the windshield wipers at 70 miles per hour

+ later in Salem during an oil change the guy found a big nest

right on the air filter so I'd been breathing mouse piss all winter

everything must be if not tidy at least under control

like the mind + body which is what meditation teaches

your fire lookout tower is after all a taoist temple

because we're a little too crazy to be zennonites

those people don't have a sense of humor at all mon frère

we're all just a bunch of skin bags to them meaning ugly

meaning they have body issues + the world sucks

just like Schopenhauer and even tho they're right

the world kinda doesn't suck we just notice when it does

but all these moments of beauty + even just contentment

they happen they exist + we are beautiful

our imperfections are what make us beautiful

Chorus III

Because zen monks are very proud of their shaved

heads

Because reincarnation is just as unbelievable

as God

Because Japan is very far away

As are China + India + Tibet

Not to mention Jerusalem and Rome

Because the weekly dharma talk is the least useful

yet most attended

and because you conveniently don't have to sit as long

Because sitting is good

Because sitting at 4:30 in the morning brings neither

more nor less

Because chanting is kind of silly

Especially multi-syllabic translations of monosyllabic

texts

But because any group of people coming to sit

quietly is better than any church or anything

Because sitting alone you start to worry if you left the stove on

Better to sit + watch Game of Thrones + eat Doritos +

tweet w/friends

Because sitting still w/one's thoughts could lead to something

or not

+ either/or that's dangerous

sitting still

still sitting

still

Chorus IV

People ask don't you get lonely up there

but I only ever get lonely when I go down into Santa Fe

around people but separate

w/only polite conversation w/baristas and bank tellers

which is why I always fall in love with baristas and bank tellers

tho sometimes loneliness follows me up to my tower

and a day or two is necessary to purge myself

with mountain air and milky stars

playing a blues or two on the guitar

up in the blue sky picking my nose

reading imperfect but perfect B. Traven novels

seeking smoke and fire or nothing at all

Chorus V

The Dry Line is where

moist air coming up from the Gulf

collides with dry southwest air

anywhere from Amarillo to Santa Fe

and causes rain + hail + tornadoes

+ why sometimes the wind comes out of the southeast here

whereas in Arizona at Aztec it always came from the southwest

+ so even w/a drying trend predicted next 10 days

out east past Pecos + Barb in Barillas LO

a huge thundercloud burbles w/lighting

+ could maybe form over here

w/high cirrus clouds coming from south

signals some kind of moisture mañana or day after

or not up here at 10,000 it's all cold + windy

even w/the sun shining directly through the windows

setting now + I'll have to throw on a hoodie

and the full moon rising in the east

will do the same later tonight for me + the wolf

I think I kept hearing tho sometimes it's a coyote

but one night it howled like a wolf

which I wonder has come up from the Gila

+ even if coyote welcome up here if nowhere else

but what I want you to consider is this:

to be aware of the Dry Line within yourself

changing location + storming + raging

not that you can suppress it or would want to

but to be aware of those currents within

Chorus VI

spotted two smokes today from lighting days passed

or even the lighting from last night

w/moment of John Henry satisfaction that air attack

at least didn't spot one of them

+ spent all day guiding firefighters in

when all along a big rain system built over Albuquerque

+ moved north dousing the whole forest

'firefighting activity hampered by rain'

may not last the night tho both put in monitor status

i.e. let'em burn a little + clean up the underbrush

which everyone wants to do more of just not in their backyards

but more lightning with this cell so may do same mañana

watching wall of water + electricity move north

jagged glows in grey mist

looking down on rain from here or across

learning the clouds—cirrus on up high w/cirrus streaks

cumulus midrange from fair weather to cumulonimbus

stratus the low level flat game over for fire season

along w/mammatus cloudbreasts about to rain

+ lenticular meaning high winds over mountains

locked in my self-love shack reading about sexual perversions

+ discovering myself + a lot of other people too

a sizable minority in a majority that sets the morals

so glad to be up in the cloud socked-in

nothing to see nothing to say really except

some Whitman-like hello to the future

the human world goes on if you step outside it

+ it doesn't matter when + if you come back in

no one cares + it saves you a headache

Chorus VII

at sunset after the yellow orange pink red

far mountains turn blue

and clouds turn blue

and rain even rain that never reaches the ground

flashes of lightning in the blue

+ I curl in my blue sleeping bag

blue sky + light blue stars

still in the blues listening to the wind

even the smoke from fires turns blue

at the end of summer letting them burn

like we all should let our fires burn

unless they could really hurt somebody

but if in the wilderness of the heart

let them go and burn in the night

someone will see them + think them beautiful

and you may see their fires

+ tho you may not believe me all fires are beautiful

even dangerous ones especially the dangerous ones

fire has a purpose in the world

it keeps the wild healthy

+ cleans up the dead stuff in the forest of yr heart

but I'm just melancholy sad to have to leave Bald Mountain

having spent many nights up here in the wind + rain

lightning storms off to the west

lights of Albuquerque + Santa Fe where normal people are

I feel the moth tug to be with them + their lights

but I want to stay + fly to the moon too

or into a fire

Chorus VIII

time to burn

burning time

after weeks of rain + lightning

Virgin Mesa Fire

all the firefighters that haven't headed north to other fires

fire time

fire is time

over time

beyond time

rock squirrels are time

flying stars are time

riding mountains into deserts is time

just like Dogen's time to ride mountains in deserts

so fast you can't see

or it's all bullshit anyways

just as there is not bullshit

and no not bullshit

but fire

+ time

+ hummingbird blossoms

and a combi to dig out the mudholes off the road

so cows in time won't have waterholes in time

+ wind in time

time wind

time to put on a coat on the catwalk

tune out the radio

time to put fire on the ground

Chorus IX

even if/tho bell hooks is right

+ love is a choice

you can still be wrong if you go looking for fire

all the fires I've ever seen were w/my naked eye

my naked plum blossom eye

it's when you go looking for fire that you fool yourself

get fooled by shadows + waterdogs

use technology like binoculars + online dating services

you have to let fire come

enjoy the lightning show in the meantime

(+ no fires may come at all

in which case you head down the hill on Wednesday

like a fool into Santa Fe

for books + groceries + hot yoga

feeling like you're in a Tarot card)

then of course the decision:

put it out or let it burn

or even help it burn

put fire on the ground

pull back + watch it

or there is not fire

no time

or all the time in the world

fire time

fire in time

or there is not love

or all the love in the world

Chorus X

many nights on Bald Mountain

many ghosts

but ghosts are just ghosts

you sit with them

they appear + disappear

up to you how you react

or you could just simply invite them in for tea

morrocan mint or jasmine pearls

I like my tea green like my men

the most difficult thing about sitting up here

is feeling the mountain move

southwest into the desert

+ the sound

the nothing

the space in the symphony makes the music

the space in the head

+ even in August there are fires

small and may fizzle

but important to know they're there

hold onto your fires

sit with them

they don't even leave like ghosts

but you don't want them to

+ for that I'm a zen heretic

zen women don't stop wearing sexy underwear

but you don't want them to

even if far away

even if ghosts

Chorus XI

freak on the peak ok

I end this summer like I began

w/my head in the clouds

socked in

all I need now are some bagpipes

aspen turning gold

grouse clucking around the tower

elk bugles

or men pretending to be elk in heat

and I still love the idea

of men bugling in heat to each other

thinking the other a stag or stud

men out in the woods exploring their true natures

not that there's anything wrong with anything except denial

but when I say I like solitude

it doesn't mean I like solitude

it just means I like solitude

+ enlightenment isn't sudden it's a process

+ a bullshit western term anyways

like emptiness instead of maybe space

tho that conjures visions of sci-fi adventure

even if zen could be called Lost In Space

I always liked the younger daughter w/dark hair

+ wondered if she'd try + hook up w/her sister's bf

+ how that would go down in space

plus those gloves that could squeeze water out of rocks

Chorus XII

all the Johns that accompanied me on my moving mountain:

Johann Sebastian, Johnny Cash, John Lennon, John Coltrane

all the afternoons singing to the grouse and cows

coyotes singing at night + playing in the meadow sometimes

the wolf I swear I heard back in April or May

or do we hear what we want to hear

cloud lightning silent in the wind a flash

but no—thunder even this cold

they're filming a western or firefighting movie down in Santa Fe

I've called in their smoke twice they've changed locations

one lightningstruck tree still north near Deadman

+ lightning in the Rio Grande Valley high desert

wanting one more fire before I go for closure

+ to prove I'm useful still

make up for all the false alarms I called in

even tho firefighters don't care they'd rather be out in the woods

sunset summer another miracle I'm here I'm alive

to see heaven every day in solitude

I'm not Wordsworth I don't need a companion

tho if my sister were here we could make guacamole

watch the storm + fading light + talk Michigan

so damn you Wordsworth maybe you're right

but it's beautiful anyways it's beautiful because I'm alone

being alone is beautiful I wish you'd let yrself be it

I wish you'd let yrself get out of town

drive + get out of yr car + walk

A Fire Lookout Manual

Originally appeared at MOJAVE HEART, now defunct, January 2019.

 

A Fire Lookout Manual

Wind from the southwest

sitting on the east side of the

tower catching enough to keep

bugs at bay with a big dark rain

cloud over Ola tracking east

across High Valley tho north

mostly clear with ‘fair weather

cumulus’ according to the poster

Boise Dispatch weather guy

gave us lookouts in June

now its July and I’m in jeans

and a hoodie because when

clouds go over the sun and the

wind too the temperature drops

drastically—other days I might

be just in shorts or naked usually

in the morning when no one will

be dropping in since its a 2-hour

hike minimum from any of the

trailheads—more really— not

counting the drive though one

guy did show up around 8:30

one morning with his two dogs

said he'd left Boise at 4:30

actually did get caught one time

doing laundry on a hot day

just some dish soap in a bucket

and hot water squeezing it out

hanging underwear and shirts on

the fence tho they tend to blow

off in the wind but I was naked

inside heating the second round

opened the screen door and whoah!

people down by the helispot

so I threw on jeans and shirt

and continued like nothing

they came up and said nothing

so maybe didn’t even see me

the mom had been up before

she was friendly but the rest

didn’t stay long—nobody does

tho my tower in Arizona

(Ed Abbey’s old Aztec tower)

which had a road all the way up

attracted different types

people driving 2 hours from

Phoenix past all kinds of trails

and creeks woods and meadows

all to walk 20 feet from their

cars to the tower stairs and sure

the view was nice but many

seemed to want to see me

to talk to me as if I were a wise

man or kook (that last is true)

and there were always Visitors

whereas here I go days w/o

people which is nice—to quote

Bukowski ‘I don’t hate people,

I just feel better when they’re not

around’ but now I hear voices

coming up the trail who would

come up on a wednesday

w/a rain storm to the south?

oh hell I might—wonder

if there'll be lightning today—

tomorrows my day off I’ll

go into Boise to buy food—

I’m eating a salad every day—

but I guess I’ll brew some tea

and get ready for the Visitors

when the wind dies down

up here bugs do come out

flies mostly and horseflies

and the big fat hovering kind

that never land or bite but just

seem to watch me but too

butterflies of all colors

and sizes flitting and fluttering

around rocks below the tower

and sometimes my head

when I’m out on the catwalk

aggregating rubbing antennae

looks like they’re playing—

looping around in pairs or

groups or singly climbing

diving and swooping just for

sheer joy tho some bugologist

would spoil everything and

explain I know the explanation

would even be interesting but

there would be no play so yes

here I am wanting to remain

willfully ignorant—the attitude

I despise most in americans

and people in general but today

is cold and rainy a cold wind

possibly lightning tho maybe not

and I’ll still sit out on the catwalk

and read and it will be good

but a butterfly or two is nice

there is a fire lookout manual

there’s a manual in the federal

government for everything

(even apparently torture) but

really looking out for fires is

basic (I fear trained monkeys

will replace me) it’s just a sense

of familiarity with the landscape

and watching it every day all

day changing w/the light and

weather like Manet water lilies

and haystacks except bigger so

when a smoke puffs up you

notice it right off tho yes during

storms you pay attention to

downstrikes and look in those

areas first thing in the morning

and yes I do get out the binos

scanning the far mountains

especially to the north—cells

seem to track over there I’m

not sure why tho Francis an

older guy who’s worked on the

Forest for 40 years thinks

because there’s what he calls

a heat wall to the west in the

high desert BLM Land blocking

Oregon and Nevada clouds

or that’s what’s happening

this summer anyways

I should probably shave today

worried not taking advantage

of time here to do more

constructive things like write

but most people would think I’m

an idiot for being anxious

about anything up here but

it’s my nature as one ex-

girlfriend pointed out when

she gave me a worry stone from

Fire Island (though she didn’t

know about Frank O’Hara)

it’s round and flatish smooth

and I kept it in my jacket pocket

all through my time in New York

rubbing it with my fingers

turning it in my hand I still have

it though don’t carry it so much

as keep it in my little pile of

sacred things I bring with me

wherever I move tho I’m not

sure where it is now probably

in my truck but the point is why

be anxious until the end of summer

and even after why be anxious

about anything anywhere? just do

what needs to be done well—but

what about the future and money

why even write or play music

they feel good in the moment

but don’t earn me money tho

jobs are interesting too or can

be and should be else why do

them? and they get me meeting

people which I guess is good

tho I like sitting on this mountain

alone watching clouds build

over the Middle Fork playing

mandolin and reading Basho

tho even Buddha said friends

are everything or at least

friends gathered to meditate

tho he also said that if you

can’t find good friends you

should go alone which is what

I’ve been doing for forever

met some good people

on the way tho our paths went

always different

a cow elk bathes in the alpine

lake below almost every day

when there’s sun—sometimes

joined by two sisters but mostly

she wades in up to her neck eating

lily pads like catnip I mean she

thrashes her head around in what

can only be pleasure though I’m

sure being in the water keeps flies

away which cows up here (the

Forest still sells grazing allotments

at a loss) haven’t figured out they

just shit everywhere and tear

up the whole mountain

always go barefoot—that’s the

blessing of being a fire lookout

you don’t have to put up with

silly social rules tho no women

in hosiery up here—no women

at all hardly tho 2 weeks ago

a teenage girls church group

hiked up from Sagehen Camp-

ground and my eyes about

bugged out but they were

mormons so—en masse any-

ways—they’d be even gooder

girls than any others but to

answer the question I get most

no I don’t get lonely—only

when I go down for a day off

in Boise and see the women

especially in the grocery store

where they’re not even trying

to look good but they look

really good because real and

I have thoughts like if I didn’t

run away out to the woods all

the time maybe one of those

women would like to sip green

tea with me and then I get a

twinge of loneliness but then

I come back up to the mountain

and think no it’s ok I’m alright

the firefinder is called an

adelaide I don’t know why tho

most people call it a firefinder

except old-timers or else sometimes

they say aladaide you can check

the official manual if you care

but just call it a firefinder and

the real skill you need is to read

maps to look out at a mountain

and find it on the map so you

can rough estimate how far

away the smoke is and a

tentative legal the township

range and section number which

matters as to whether an

engine crew gets sent up the

east side or west side of a

mountain and how far they have

to hike in which can make them

very angry with you if you

fuck up but mostly Dispatch

sends a helicopter first and/or

air-attack plane and they

gps the fire exactly but still you

need to get the right mountain or

drainage because sometimes

at the end of the summer when

the forest is nice and wet the

upper-ups may decide to just let

the fire burn if it’s out in

the middle of nowhere which

is a good thing to just let it

burn like fires did all the

time until about 100 years ago

when we started putting them out

now our forests are glutted with

dead and down fuels so in the dry

season we get catostrophic fires

which burn everything when healthy

fires burn the dead and down but

leave bigger trees and in fact

some trees need fire either to

cause their seeds to sprout or

to kill off invasive bugs and

so I say to you are you letting

your own fires burn sometimes?

sure fire is dangerous if

you’re not careful but imagine

your inner forest clear of

debris your inner trees strong

and healthy that comes from

embracing fire not feeding it

but not fighting it either let

it do its thing and keep a

lookout on high to observe

and can you read the map

of your heart can you tell

someone where your fires are?

the best

way to

find the

location

of a fire

is two

lookouts

running

azimuths

between

forming

a cross

 

 

Fire Lookout Life

#firelookoutlife

Pics from my mountain home

Various and sundry pics from April/May in my fire lookout tower:

Clouds and waterdogs....

A rainy week at the tower.....